Can’t say I don’t live Halloween to the fullest!
The story you are about to witness is not just based-on a true story-it IS a true story! The events that take place have happened within the last 24-hour period.
Also, sorry if the post looks weird. I’m having serious-technology issues, as you’ll learn later, regarding the spacing between sections. I’ve tried everything, and after you read below, you’ll see why after four attempts to correct the spacing, I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Where to begin… So many adventures…
So, something amazing happens to Washingtonians when the fall season is upon us.
People forget how to fucking drive.
It took me 1.75 hours to commute from my apartment to Seattle today. I could have driven to Ellensburg in that amount of time. During said commute, I listened to Jackie and Bender on Kiss 106.1 follow through with “Breaking Benjamin (Not the Band)” live on the air. This man volunteered to have Nair spread on his nether regions while he bobbed for apples floating in jalapeno water. He was not allowed to have the Nair removed until all 23 apples were removed from the jalapeno water or face the consequences.
Am I the only who is still a little weirded out that Jackie and Bender still do radio together? Does anyone know if there were reasons to the divorce, or just “irreconcilable differences”?
What was the consequence, pray tell? Having a pumpkin drawn on his ass. Not a tattoo, mind you. Just a drawing.
Personally, I’d rather have someone tattoo a pumpkin on my ass while driving over bumpy gravel instead of submerging my head in jalapeno water with Nair on my lady-bits. Have you ever had Nair placed anywhere for more than 30 seconds? It hurts like a bitch. I wouldn’t recommend testing that. Really, you can get permanently scarred from that stuff.
Also during the commute, I witnessed a car get rear-ended. Considering all of these things happened within the first 2.5 hours of being awake, I should have heeded this as a warning.
Why, oh why, do I never pay attention to those types of signs? And no, this is not an Asian-driver joke. I’m actually a very good driver. I have never been in an accident where I was driving. EVER. Nor have I ever caused an accident, or near-accident. My father was a car guy, he would not have appreciated a crappy driver for a daughter.
During an inter-office Halloween potluck, I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a stranger.
No, not an “Are-you-ok-did-you-choke-on-your-spit-ha ha-that’s-funny” sort of choking. I mean, food went down this woman’s windpipe and couldn’t get air to even answer anyone.
I was amazed when all of my (and her) co-workers kept asking “Are you OK?” and proceeded to repeat said question after she kept shaking her head and pointing to her throat several times. I asked if she needed the Heimlich Maneuver. Her voice was garbled glass shards after said food was dislodged, then responded she was OK.
My co-workers and her co-workers? Just went back about their business eating lunch and asking someone else about said vacation they had just returned from.
Um… Does no one realize someone almost died just then? Were they going to wait until she was fucking blue before even thinking to call 911… or something? ANYTHING but just stand there?!
So apparently life isn’t like the movies where the nibbling patrons ask (at minimum) amongst themselves, “Gosh, I hope she’s all right,” “That was scary,” or perform some other form of acknowledgement of what just transpired.
Nope, sorry to burst your bubble folks, most people are just plain stupid.
I looked around and was baffled by this situation. Granted, I had never needed to perform such an act on anyone and didn’t know what to expect, but I certainly hadn’t expected such a non-reaction as that.
Really? I just go back to eating my lunch, sit at my desk and continue working? That’s it?
After learning her name from my office’s HR person, I emailed that woman about 20 minutes after lunch just to double-check if she was OK. Luckily she responded-
“Terribly embarrassed, but I’m OK. Thank you for your help.”
An expression I really do not wish to embody is “So sue me,” and thank, God it doesn’t sound like she does either.
The last two hours of work my email crashed. After looking into the reasons why, someone emailed me photos of the same Halloween party.
Precious Readers, I appreciate people who are internet-savvy. For those who aren’t don’t be afraid to ask questions. It will save someone (at least 2) hours of scratching their head and silently asking themselves “What the fuck?” when they think they have broken their email.
The incriminating email containing happy photos were enormous. Each email was at least 23-25 MB.
Or, in other words, a shit-ton of bytes. For non-techie types, it’s like asking for a slice of cake and receiving a wedding sculpture large enough to feed a guest list of 350 people, eat it in one sitting and expected to fit through the door.
By the way, did I mention these emails were sent to two offices? My co-workers (and choking-woman’s co-workers) are in for a tough, post-Halloween morning. And I can’t even do a mass email to warn them.
Once removing the culprits from my poor, overloaded Outlook Inbox, at least it was functioning again.
On the way home (again, in awful traffic) I was run off I-5 into the shoulder. My Jeep, Grease Lightning remains unscathed.
My sanity and sense of safety in the world, today? Eh… not so much.
But, I remain plucky as ever! Rebutting said adventures:
1) I enjoyed dressing as Red Riding Hood for office trick-or-treaters. A nearby preschool visits our office annually, in search of candy on each floor. There was a boy and girl who held each other’s hand the whole way. If the two were ever separated, they’d instantly look for the other. SO CUTE! Ah, young love.
2) Got to try Xbox Kinect for the first time. I may never be able to move my body again, but nonetheless, it was a new experience.
Nothing like watching Pilot wave his arms around like a psycho-traffic controller while trying to jump and hop at the same time.
3) I get to spend three (that’s right THREE) days in Cannon Beach, Oregon this weekend. I’m celebrating a longtime-friend, the Obi-One-Pin-Obi’s 30th Birthday Bash! (She’s a huge Star Wars fan and every time we’d go bowling there was always one, elusive pin left.) Tomorrow is my “Friday” and I plan to take full advantage of it.
Let’s just say it’s a well-earned vacation from dipshits who can’t even acknowledge that someone is choking. And I’ll admit that after today’s debacles, I’m really reconsidering making my jalapeno-cheddar cornbread for the weekend festivities.
What about you, Precious Readers? Any particularly spectacular Halloweens spring to mind? What about how you celebrate the holiday today as compared to your youth?