tricked and treated! what a Halloweenie i’ve proven to be!

Can’t say I don’t live Halloween to the fullest!

The story you are about to witness is not just based-on a true story-it IS a true story! The events that take place have happened within the last 24-hour period.

Also, sorry if the post looks weird. I’m having serious-technology issues, as you’ll learn later, regarding the spacing between sections. I’ve tried everything, and after you read below, you’ll see why after four attempts to correct the spacing, I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Where to begin… So many adventures…

So, something amazing happens to Washingtonians when the fall season is upon us.

People forget how to fucking drive.

It took me 1.75 hours to commute from my apartment to Seattle today. I could have driven to Ellensburg in that amount of time. During said commute, I listened to Jackie and Bender on Kiss 106.1 follow through with “Breaking Benjamin (Not the Band)” live on the air. This man volunteered to have Nair spread on his nether regions while he bobbed for apples floating in jalapeno water. He was not allowed to have the Nair removed until all 23 apples were removed from the jalapeno water or face the consequences.

Am I the only who is still a little weirded out that Jackie and Bender still do radio together? Does anyone know if there were reasons to the divorce, or just “irreconcilable differences”?

What was the consequence, pray tell? Having a pumpkin drawn on his ass. Not a tattoo, mind you. Just a drawing.

Personally, I’d rather have someone tattoo a pumpkin on my ass while driving over bumpy gravel instead of submerging my head in jalapeno water with Nair on my lady-bits. Have you ever had Nair placed anywhere for more than 30 seconds? It hurts like a bitch. I wouldn’t recommend testing that. Really, you can get permanently scarred from that stuff.

Also during the commute, I witnessed a car get rear-ended. Considering all of these things happened within the first 2.5 hours of being awake, I should have heeded this as a warning.

Why, oh why, do I never pay attention to those types of signs? And no, this is not an Asian-driver joke. I’m actually a very good driver. I have never been in an accident where I was driving. EVER. Nor have I ever caused an accident, or near-accident. My father was a car guy, he would not have appreciated a crappy driver for a daughter.

Next up…

During an inter-office Halloween potluck, I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a stranger.

No, not an “Are-you-ok-did-you-choke-on-your-spit-ha ha-that’s-funny” sort of choking. I mean, food went down this woman’s windpipe and couldn’t get air to even answer anyone.

I was amazed when all of my (and her) co-workers kept asking “Are you OK?” and proceeded to repeat said question after she kept shaking her head and pointing to her throat several times. I asked if she needed the Heimlich Maneuver. Her voice was garbled glass shards after said food was dislodged, then responded she was OK.

My co-workers and her co-workers? Just went back about their business eating lunch and asking someone else about said vacation they had just returned from.

Um… Does no one realize someone almost died just then? Were they going to wait until she was fucking blue before even thinking to call 911… or something? ANYTHING but just stand there?!

So apparently life isn’t like the movies where the nibbling patrons ask (at minimum) amongst themselves, “Gosh, I hope she’s all right,” “That was scary,” or perform some other form of acknowledgement of what just transpired.

Nope, sorry to burst your bubble folks, most people are just plain stupid.

I looked around and was baffled by this situation. Granted, I had never needed to perform such an act on anyone and didn’t know what to expect, but I certainly hadn’t expected such a non-reaction as that.

Really? I just go back to eating my lunch, sit at my desk and continue working? That’s it?

After learning her name from my office’s HR person, I emailed that woman about 20 minutes after lunch just to double-check if she was OK. Luckily she responded-

“Terribly embarrassed, but I’m OK. Thank you for your help.”

An expression I really do not wish to embody is “So sue me,” and thank, God it doesn’t sound like she does either.

The last two hours of work my email crashed. After looking into the reasons why, someone emailed me photos of the same Halloween party.

Precious Readers, I appreciate people who are internet-savvy. For those who aren’t don’t be afraid to ask questions. It will save someone (at least 2) hours of scratching their head and silently asking themselves “What the fuck?” when they think they have broken their email.

The incriminating email containing happy photos were enormous. Each email was at least 23-25 MB.

Or, in other words, a shit-ton of bytes. For non-techie types, it’s like asking for a slice of cake and receiving a wedding sculpture large enough to feed a guest list of 350 people, eat it in one sitting and expected to fit through the door.

By the way, did I mention these emails were sent to two offices? My co-workers (and choking-woman’s co-workers) are in for a tough, post-Halloween morning. And I can’t even do a mass email to warn them.

Once removing the culprits from my poor, overloaded Outlook Inbox, at least it was functioning again.

On the way home (again, in awful traffic) I was run off I-5 into the shoulder. My Jeep, Grease Lightning remains unscathed.

My sanity and sense of safety in the world, today? Eh… not so much.

But, I remain plucky as ever! Rebutting said adventures:

1) I enjoyed dressing as Red Riding Hood for office trick-or-treaters. A nearby preschool visits our office annually, in search of candy on each floor. There was a boy and girl who held each other’s hand the whole way. If the two were ever separated, they’d instantly look for the other. SO CUTE! Ah, young love.

2) Got to try Xbox Kinect for the first time. I may never be able to move my body again, but nonetheless, it was a new experience.

Nothing like watching Pilot wave his arms around like a psycho-traffic controller while trying to jump and hop at the same time.

3) I get to spend three (that’s right THREE) days in Cannon Beach, Oregon this weekend. I’m celebrating a longtime-friend, the Obi-One-Pin-Obi’s 30th Birthday Bash! (She’s a huge Star Wars fan and every time we’d go bowling there was always one, elusive pin left.) Tomorrow is my “Friday” and I plan to take full advantage of it.

Let’s just say it’s a well-earned vacation from dipshits who can’t even acknowledge that someone is choking. And I’ll admit that after today’s debacles, I’m really reconsidering making my jalapeno-cheddar cornbread for the weekend festivities.

What about you, Precious Readers? Any particularly spectacular Halloweens spring to mind? What about how you celebrate the holiday today as compared to your youth?

grab some fruit and light it on fire! go on! it’s ok!

I was working in the lab late one night…

Well Precious Readers, it’s October.  Well, it has been for several days now, but bear with me.  With just this last week alone consuming 20 out of 40 hours of “strategy” meetings, I’ve become a zombie.

I’m beginning to understand why zombies crave brains, because right now mine is fried.

October holds my all-time favorite holiday: All Hallow’s Eve, aka:


Note the excitement here? <wink, wink.>  <nudge, nudge.>

Halloween is by far the best holiday ever. There’s all the camaraderie without the 100% expectation of drunkenness that New Year’s Eve or Fourth of July holds.

Ok, Halloween is a party holiday. It just doesn’t expect the full 100% of it to be filled with drunkenness. Maybe more along the lines of 75%.

The reason this holiday is so special to me is due to a list of several reasons. Mind if I share?

It’s a less stressful holiday to get together with loved ones.  Halloween is a chance for everyone to eat some regular food that doesn’t contain strange gelatinous fruit suspended in bread, and a chance to listen to the music you typically listen to all the other days of the year.  As for food, because it’s a casual holiday, there’s no burden on your shoulders to purchase a better gift for your parents to prove you’re the good child versus your sibling, or to prove who can roast the better (and bigger) turkey causing a 3-day cook-off in your respective kitchens.

I don’t know about you, but I find Thanksgiving and Christmas to be the type of “family get-together” leaving me reaching for a roll of antacids.  Or wine.  Yeah, scratch the antacids, just pass the bottle.

It’s fun for the whole family. For those on a straight-and-narrow or who have little ones, this holiday is full of child-friendly events! You get to spend time with your children, letting them wear their favorite Spiderman/fairy princess costume without getting strange looks throughout the grocery store.  Also there are corn mazes, or for the not-so-faint-of-heart, haunted corn mazes.  There are great kid-friendly films like Hocus Pocus (one of my fave’s. I love Bette Midler), or It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

Mutilating fruit is a good thing. Not a good cook?  Who cares? You’re going to be hollowing out that ol’ pumpkin anyway. Unless you’re able to slice off your finger, carving pumpkins is a fun way to pass the time. Also, you get to set it on fire!  Ok, not really, but glow sticks are a great alternative to open flames within the empty cavern that is your Jack-o-Lantern.

You get to know your neighbors.  Halloween is the one night out of the year where you actually see your neighbor’s face (or at least part of them if they’re wearing a mask) instead of hunching over, covering your face with one hand while giving a somewhat-wave with the other and mumbling a greeting as you hurry past.  In fact, not only do you get to march up their steps with confidence as your cape flutters in the autumn wind, but they have to give you candy. I really do think it might be a law.

Speaking of candy… Now my husband, Pilot is forcing me to write about this.  Personally, I’m not much of a candy person. However, Pilot is a candy fiend and would consume only sugar if the human body could possibly do so without slowly killing itself from the inside. This is a holiday of FREE CANDY. If you’re able to, you could easily cover ground and make pillowcase-bank on the amount of free sucrose flying through the air.

You get to be scared shitless, and it’s OK to scream like a little girl.  This is a holiday that encourages you to let your freaked-out flag fly!  (Again) haunted houses, corn mazes, etc. Scary movies, monsters, chills and thrills galore! I’m personally not so much into the “gore” focus of the holiday. I prefer the more classic monsters such as Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, mummies, other vampires, werewolves, etc. I remember reading Frankenstein and Dracula before I was 12.

And yes, I do realize how odd that sounds.  What is an under 12-year-old doing reading material like that?  If it makes you feel a little bit better, I was really into The Babysitter’s Club series, too. There. Better?

You get to dress up in a costume and no one thinks it’s weird.  Calling someone a witch to their face is a nice thing and socially acceptable. On any other day, showing up to the office with cat ears and a tail on tends to raise some eyebrows. Costumes allow you to show another side of yourself.  For instance, last year, Pilot went as Lt. Dangle from Reno 911!  (Yes, if you haven’t noticed already, we have a slightly warped sense of humor.)

I’ll tell you what ladies, it takes a confident man to pull off that costume, and Pilot is almost a dead ringer for Lt. Dangle when he slips on those aviators and law-enforcement-panther shorts.  By the way, he fills out those shorts quite nicely.

For singles, they can play up their naughty side and feel comfortable reaching outside of their comfort zone for the night.

Or, reaching into someone else’s, should you feel as bold to do so. (With consent, of course.)

If you hold a preference to corny humor, those of you in the land of coupledom could dress up as ketchup and mustard.  Others can showcase their artistic skills.

My, that is a lovely butcher’s knife protruding from your skull. Did you ooze on the blood yourself?

The biggest reason I love this holiday is probably due to the fact my family didn’t celebrate it much, if at all.  My dad was an “early to bed, early to rise” person. And no, we’re not talking about a nine at night bedtime. My dad went to bed at 7:00pm and woke up at 2:00am every day of his life from about 1966 to the end of his days.  I would be on door duty (sans any type of costume) while my mom prepared for the next work day.

Now, I celebrate this day with fervor and excitement!!!

Note the three exclamation points? That’s how excited I am!  (!!!)

And as an adult, I can stay up even later, let Pilot get his fill of candy (again, antacids, anyone?) and be a kid for an evening. Oh, and chocolate and wine.  Did I forget to mention chocolate and wine?

So how about you, Precious Readers?  What do you like about Halloween?  What has been your favorite costume so far? What has been your most successful, or biggest failure of a costume?  What’s your favorite candy?  What was the worst treat you received when arriving at someone’s door? Did someone ever choose “trick” instead of “treat” when asked? I want to hear from YOU!